Day 34

I awoke at dawn to the birds and the blinds loosing it's morning battle with the light, the light that leaks in whether you want it to or not. Warning:I'm in a mood. What mood? I'm not telling. I'll allow you to estimate which.

Before falling asleep that morning (4a.m.) I slipped a note of apologies under Brendan's door - It went a bit like this - So sorry I disappeared last night - The fun was terribly fun -- Again so sorry.

Brendan was unappeased by this tender note. He woke up that morning, showered, I heard the water go on then off, then left for the Vatican. He left without saying good-bye, he knew I was leaving that morning, alas this was my own doing, I could not blame him much. I was a bit careless with him. It's hard to be thoughtful when your leaving Europe and it feels as if one is turning themselves in to the authorities.

After this I packed my things, something that seemed quite natural by that point. The thought of not returning, dropping out of school, spending every last cent, until God knows what would become of me passed through my mind. But, no I had to turn myself in.

I caught the train from termini to Milan. How lonely it was saying good-bye to it alone. I found a Gelateria, walked about, then decided it was time to take the bus to the final hotel, the Milan Holiday Inn Express, which was a 30 or so minute ride from the heart of town.

As I waited, seated on the curb for persons to load on the bus I thought, how stupid this is that I'm going home - There were two drivers for this bus. My guess is that they took shifts. When everyone was on I climbed the bus steps and as I passed the second driver who sat directly up front said, "This seat is for you," as he gestured to the seat beside him.

For some reason I found myself in these situations all the time? Let's not pretend that I don't know why. I know why. Men are stupid. The bus was crowded, so I sat. The ironic part was he never attempted to speak to me. So maybe he was not stupid, only sweet. Or maybe he failed to direct conversation towards me due to the stream of tears that commenced to flow from my eyes on that drive.

What to do when emotions are too much? I did not create a scene, it simply looked as though an internal switch had been flipped, and all the water which my body held was going to leave me through my eyes. I was most unhappy and happy, unhappy about leaving, and elated about the adventures that were dispensed to me.

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Alone at the hotel I took things slowly as if I were my own sick patient. A long shower, slowly choosing my dress for the day coming, laying down, ordering a movie, making promises to myself that I was unsure if I could keep, then sleep.

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The final day, at the airport I went through the necessary processes of returning to New York. Once on the plane tears again. Something happened to me. It was too much
to explain what now, but I would resume to be a hunter from there on end. In other words I could do what ever it is to succeed in this life, and not not to settle, never settle.

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Final note on this trip. If this inspires anyone to attempt a trip as such -- Book a one way ticket because my flights were switched three times. Those costs add up.

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I believe this is me finishing something.

Smile.