Saturday, May 2, 2009

Thoughts at 3:11a.m. on 5/3/09

I haven't written in a long while, long being a massive understatement. I am currently on a break with "Aden". The nickname should speak for itself. I nicknamed him so after the 'Sex and the City' character - Aden. The man Carrie loved but couldn't marry. My problem, not being a Mr. Big lingering in a black car waiting for me some where - it's more of I'm dating a Peter Pan without the green tights. I've used that before and yeah I like it.

In 5 months he will be 37. Age wouldn't matter if we weren't dating for three years and the only utterance of marriage came from me! And it's not like I want to get married next week - he's 13 years my senior. The problem is that he has made zero effort of being an adult. At some point of our relationship I stopped trying. Maybe it was 6 months ago? Jeez maybe a year ago? Why invest more when it's not going further than the front steps? If I'm not going to get in the car and go for a scenic drive somewhere - what's the point? 

So now we are taking this time to evaluate ourselves, each other, and this relationship. It's been what? Three weeks? A month? I've thought about it a lot and I miss him terribly. The first week it felt like I was mourning a lost limb - I took to eating things I normally wouldn't, but did because he liked them - Example cream in my coffee - I'm a quick pour of milk and sugar. The second week I thought about all the things that I should have done - could have done - dance with him at that wedding is def one of them. The third week I saw him briefly because I won this award and he came to the ceremony because it was important - but we barely spoke - it was weird - I called him afterwards to discuss it and he seemed so cut off and business like that lately I've been feeling dead inside about this. Is he going out - ignoring me- ignoring this? Like he's done with everything else? We're meeting or talking in four days. Is he going to meet with me to tell me it's just too hard? That's been his theme song. The tragic part is that- I initiated this break! I don't know if I want to be with him because of his zero effort and there he goes again giving zero effort. Yeah this is making me sad - so I'm going to stop because it's difficult to snap out of that. 

The semester is nearly over. One more poetry class, and a final, and a bunch of work I have to make up - I'm taking off to Europe in less than two weeks - I booked it before this break - but the timing couldn't be better. I need something new to write about. 

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