An after-thought

Now that the emotions have fallen asleep, I have had time to think clearly.

When I attempt to pin point what got me to sadness, I realize that it was not something that H specifically said or didn't. Or maybe it was what he said that triggered an emotion? What I am sure of, is that for what ever reason I decided to be honest with this one, and that I played with the others. Maybe played isn't the right word. It was more of a splashing around in the shallow parts of the sea. Right, it was playing. Apologies to any others who are reading. When one ends a long relationship things must be tested. This surely does not discredit lovely moments, but in some sense it seemed as if I were participating in a series of surreal adventures. (Calling all wandering minds -- This is not me hinting at flesh matters) So, yes, at this point I took a chance at reality, which resulted in dashed hopes. At which point something inside said, well that was not fun, it may be time to return to Wonderland. And what if I don't wanna? This was the sadness.

One last note before I go. I am not a silly girl. It is silly to refuse to take one's gloves off in a sweltering room. So maybe I was, but I realize I can do without the gloves for awhile.

Now I sleep.

~~~~~~The Edited Version~~~~~~~

It may be time to be a little honest about a few things. The text above is a shade of the truth. Yes, there was an H, and there were dashed hopes. Was I done splashing in the shallow waters? Not so much. The months of July - December were a bit more than strange for me. I had been dealing with a bit of relationship withdrawal, having a steady boyfriend for nearly 6 years will do that.


So, I took to double booking. I thought, well there's an opening, I'd better do something about it. In case we aren't on the same page, double booking is the scheduling of two dates back to back. I'd say good-night to one guy, hop the subway, or whatever, and meet up with someone else. At one point my closest girlfriends expressed their concern, so I stopped talking about. Yeah, I'm kinda mysterious.

I eventually ended the madness when I couldn't take it anymore. It made me nuts, as well as eating up all of my time. None of it went anywhere, I didn't allow anyone to get close enough for that. Although there were a few surprise attack kisses. One thing that stuck was a guy expressing that, "You kiss like you mean it." How to continue without sounded like a witch? Did I mean it in that sense? No. But, there is no excuse to kiss anyone badly, is there? Kissing is an art, and I am a supporter of the arts.

Anyway, I stopped. I stoppedddd. And as of late, I have been traveling with care. I have what's important to me in my sights, and I am most happy to say it isn't a male.

An Old Note

I found this folded note inside a book I had made while I experienced the third grade. I'm not going to edit the spelling since that would rob it's charm. I hope this is thoroughly enjoyed. Ha.

Dear Charlie,

I'm sorry I told on you in 2 grade. Remember when we were freinds? Well I miss that.

When ever I walk by your desk you egnor me! I know I'm tough and stuff but I'm not that thogh. I'm like that because I have to act very tough to play pount and soccer. If I'm soft like jello they won't let me play.

So do you like me or not?

p.s. Do NOT show this to anyone.

P.s.s. Write Back.

From Jane Feige

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Poor Charlie and I lost touch all those years ago because I was unafraid of doing or speaking on what I deemed correct. Yeah,  I told on him. He brought a pocket knife to school, and being that we were such close friends, he presented it to me. In my little girl mind, I thought, school is no place for a pointy knife, so I told ol' Mrs. Pruce, or whoever, that Charlie K. brought a knife to school. Charlie K. if you stumble upon this. I'm sorry. I should not have told on you like that. Sigh. So, "sera, sera."


.

Man List

As some may know, I am unspoken for and will stay that way until a worthy fellow comes along. How to determine such things? Create a list, I thought. We all have a mental list, one which is scarcely followed, due to settling or hoping that Jimmy will stop drinking or that Sally didn't hate your family.

My list consists of six detailed qualities which go as such:

Musts Haves

He is intelligent. He enjoys to read novels and/or poetry. He knows the answers to my questions without behaving pompously. And he should be able to beat me at chess on occasion.

He must be attractive. There should not be any strange back hair. (You have to draw the line some where.) The hair atop one’s head is unnecessary, I’ve noticed that most men are losing that battle. He must be in shape, but not overly muscular, definition is good.

He must be humorous. Laughs must be produced. I don’t mean chuckles, I mean eye squinting laughter.

He must have his career and/or ambitions in order. When speaking of his future the words, "One day", as the sentence continues on, should never be muttered.. One day without a plan, never ends well.

He has to enjoy traveling. This includes all things spontaneous. If I want Ben & Jerry’s at 3 A.M. that’s called it’s ice cream time. Also, hearting animals will be included in this section.

He must have a passionate heart. I want romantics, bloody cinema. I don’t want silly flowers or chocolates. I want him to bake me a cake and buy me a plant. I want him to run in the rain for me. But here is the catch, don’t give me the power to own you, (At least not right away ha) no-one has fun under those circumstances.

Bonuses

Dancing: No, not the gyrating of hips, dancing that requires steps.

The ability to speak two or more languages.

The ability of dressing one’s self appropriately.

Culinary skills.

Now granted, this is a bit specific, but everyone has their allowances. No-one is perfect. Yet, it is easier to get what one wants or deserves when the must haves are clear.

Grab a straw & Enjoy.

Undying amore -- waiting years to taste someone's mouth, then only
theirs.

When did that end? At some point in the 50s or 40s, or was it earlier?

What once required locks of hair and hand written letters: Now requires
-- You'd better bloody impress me by jumping through those fiery hoops
of you sit facing me and I the room. And you'd better juggle those
compliments correctly you clown or else there is no call back.

And once your done bouncing that ball on your knee you'll win a shiny
set of 87 unmarked keys.

Good luck with unlocking the door that leads to this Brazilian mix.

And if per chance we do meet flesh to flesh I will pointedly ask, "Pass
word per favore."

And you'll say, "I don't wanna play anymore."

I'll say, as if I were a mechanical doll, "Games, games,
games, I love 'em. I'm a famous player of these games."

Then something will crack. I'll bend over, place my hands upon my
knees, and say, "Hold on, sometimes I get winded from being so cruel.
There are times when I want to close my eyes and have
man beside me -- to barely touch, then touch -- to tell man I think
he's lovelier then two barrels of black plums."

I stand aright -- put arm out to man -- move him aside -- step back --
close door -- then stand on these two toes to peer through the peep hole
for 37 minutes.

"Shoo! Shoo! You annoying bird," said me.

"It's come to name calling, has it?"

I open the door to throw out a dog biscuit and sing "Go get it boy,
"then close the wood before our eyes say hello.

Five hours later. "I'll be back, I'm going home to change my shoes."

"Almighty, bye now."

The poetic sap attempts to reason with the unreasonable brute force.
Why not let man in? He could braid our hair.

Please, he only rated a 3.2 out of 6. I told you we aren't settling.

But the body says yes -- the heart beats quick when his scent looms near.

Please, eat some quiet. I'm boss now -- You've wasted far too much time on
emotional impulses & itches.

~~~

Choices are what we have now rather than love.

Watch 'Moulin Rouge,' and have a good cry about lost lasting intense
affections.

This hurts me as much as it pains you.

Day 34

I awoke at dawn to the birds and the blinds loosing it's morning battle with the light, the light that leaks in whether you want it to or not. Warning:I'm in a mood. What mood? I'm not telling. I'll allow you to estimate which.

Before falling asleep that morning (4a.m.) I slipped a note of apologies under Brendan's door - It went a bit like this - So sorry I disappeared last night - The fun was terribly fun -- Again so sorry.

Brendan was unappeased by this tender note. He woke up that morning, showered, I heard the water go on then off, then left for the Vatican. He left without saying good-bye, he knew I was leaving that morning, alas this was my own doing, I could not blame him much. I was a bit careless with him. It's hard to be thoughtful when your leaving Europe and it feels as if one is turning themselves in to the authorities.

After this I packed my things, something that seemed quite natural by that point. The thought of not returning, dropping out of school, spending every last cent, until God knows what would become of me passed through my mind. But, no I had to turn myself in.

I caught the train from termini to Milan. How lonely it was saying good-bye to it alone. I found a Gelateria, walked about, then decided it was time to take the bus to the final hotel, the Milan Holiday Inn Express, which was a 30 or so minute ride from the heart of town.

As I waited, seated on the curb for persons to load on the bus I thought, how stupid this is that I'm going home - There were two drivers for this bus. My guess is that they took shifts. When everyone was on I climbed the bus steps and as I passed the second driver who sat directly up front said, "This seat is for you," as he gestured to the seat beside him.

For some reason I found myself in these situations all the time? Let's not pretend that I don't know why. I know why. Men are stupid. The bus was crowded, so I sat. The ironic part was he never attempted to speak to me. So maybe he was not stupid, only sweet. Or maybe he failed to direct conversation towards me due to the stream of tears that commenced to flow from my eyes on that drive.

What to do when emotions are too much? I did not create a scene, it simply looked as though an internal switch had been flipped, and all the water which my body held was going to leave me through my eyes. I was most unhappy and happy, unhappy about leaving, and elated about the adventures that were dispensed to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alone at the hotel I took things slowly as if I were my own sick patient. A long shower, slowly choosing my dress for the day coming, laying down, ordering a movie, making promises to myself that I was unsure if I could keep, then sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The final day, at the airport I went through the necessary processes of returning to New York. Once on the plane tears again. Something happened to me. It was too much
to explain what now, but I would resume to be a hunter from there on end. In other words I could do what ever it is to succeed in this life, and not not to settle, never settle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Final note on this trip. If this inspires anyone to attempt a trip as such -- Book a one way ticket because my flights were switched three times. Those costs add up.

~~~~~~~

I believe this is me finishing something.

Smile.

Day 33

Did I say one more? I lied as I sometimes do. haha

I have hesitated about writing of this story, since the person who co-stars has thoroughly annoyed me - Yes I'm talking to you -- but not writing it would mean to leave this unfinished and as I said this is getting finished.


At 1 p.m. I had agreed to meet Luca for a possible beach outing. I showed at 1:15-ish and stayed till 1:30-ish. No Luca anywhere. I figured it was not meant to be, so I went to the market, purchased two full shopping bags of food. Why two full shopping bags for one day? It just seemed right.

After lunch, Brendan returned home from his Vatican job and asked what I wanted to do that night, my second and last night in Rome. I told him, to go out of course with as many people as possible, I wanted to see everyone before I left. He okayed me and asked if I minded to wait for him until he got back from the gym, which would be at 9. I said, "Sure no problem," which really meant, not a chance in hell. Me, waiting five hours on my last evening, haha -- aw. I'm sure he had other things to do as well, but what was mentioned was the gym.

Shortly after Brendan left I met Luca on FaceBook. We had the - Where were you conversation - He claimed to be at the Re Di Roma circle. Was it true? Who knows. But we agreed to meet at Coin's cafe (This cafe/bar at the nearby shopping center) at 7.

While showering it started to pour outside. I thought, cheeses I'm going to have to walk in the rain, and for an instant I thought, don't go, but no, I said I would, this meant that I would attend no matter what.

When I arrived my pants were soaked through, but it was bearable. As I attempted to sit comfortably Luca appeared. He was so drenched that he appeared dry. As he sat there shivering a puddle accumulated beneath his seat. When he took his shoes off, he was able to pour water from them, his phone was kaput. Ha. He drove 30 or so minutes on his motor bike under the pelting rain. And he said it was worth it to show up as a wet dog then not to.

I had a coffee, then a glass of red. We comfortably spoke until he had to go to his soccer game. I asked,

"What time is the soccer game?"

He: "9." (The exact hour I had planned to meet Brendan)

Me: "Can I come?"

That question is what it took to settle the evening. When we got outside, it was sunny. O Mr. Weather your a funny one. We rode by bike through swerving lush roads to the sports center. He told me to hold on, I complied halfly and did so with one hand. It was quite enjoyable. Once there I took a seat and waited for the teams to gather. At this point the lack of dinner, coffee, and wine was teaching me a lesson to never repeat that combination again. I tried not to cheer passionately because when I did the excitement was met by sharp pain.

When the game was over and Luca's team had lost, (Curses) I held on to the fence bent over about to vomit. I sent someone to fetch Luca, and when he came out I tried my best to seem okay.

Me: "Luca I must go home I don't feel well. I need to eat something. Bread, something."

He offered to bring me to his house which was nearby. There was that little voice that said, bad idea, no. Then there was that sense of melting at the idea of being cared for, so I went. We ditched the bike and took his friend's car.

At his home I was offered comfortable cloths to change into. Ha I know this sounds ridiculous -- But I was feeling seriously ill, he knew this, and in my mind he sought to alleviate. So yes, I changed from the tight jeans to sweat pants. As I rested alone on the couch he cooked a risotto, which he served for me with cheese and prosciutto. (Dear American men it's time to learn a new trick)

We talked and talked until I looked at the clock and said, "O my gosh it's 3:30, I must go home!" It was too late, we knew it, and I had a train to catch the following noon, & Brendan was going to be pissed. I changed back into people clothes, and we took off towards the city.

As he drove we listened to 'Per Dimenticare' a song on the radio. Luca explained to me that it was about a woman who wanted her ex to show at her wedding, and he sang, please forget me. As he was explaining, or saying something, a police car came into view Luca ducked, I thought this a bit funny, but left it alone.

When we reached the apt. he ejected himself from his car to bid me good-bye. My good-byes were piling up by this point and weighing upon me. We hugged for moments, we separated, he gave his watch to remember him by, I said, "Are you sure?" He said, "Yes." I smiled, said thanks, slowly walked away as he did. He got into his car. I entered the building.

How lovely that was. How wonderous that days as those exist.

The End.

Day 32

It's tempting to attack other matters because there a number of issues that are currently plaguing me, but since I rarely finish anything, there is one more story to tell before this chapter comes to end.

The day I returned to Rome I had a reunion with the Re Di Roma family - Brendan, Miss English, C, and the new guy, A. Painfully Miss English was leaving as I was coming, so our exchanges were short.

That night I went out to dinner with the boys - Brendan, A, and Brendan's French friend J. The restaurant had an electrical problem, so our meals were prepared by candle light. How romantic for the food. J thought we were participating in some sort of a couple's night due to the darkness. Ha Luckily we were seated outside, so we were able to see our food when it came.

Afterwards we went to Pompii, the number one place in Rome for tiramisu, or so I have been told many many times. I'll rate it an 8 out of 10.

This was my first night back. Was is fireworks? Not so much. But it was something of equal importance, to sit & talk can many times out due the fireworks.